3 Steps to Great Communication

Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. There is absolutely no way around it. If you find a couple who crushes it in the area of communication, it’s almost certain you’ve found a healthy and vibrant marriage.

When we began our relationship after losing our late spouses to terminal illnesses, we had a combined 55 years of marriage experience to build on. We recognized very quickly that our relationship was unique and it was “God-given.” From the very beginning, we wanted to honor Jesus by building this new covenant on the lessons we have learned. We called those things our “non-negotiables.” At the top of our list was “AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION.”

When you step into a new relationship after losing a spouse to death, it’s very intimidating. We had been through enough pain for a lifetime, so we wanted to make sure that our relationship was Christ-centered and extremely healthy. And we wanted to laugh a lot! We agreed that if we were going down this road, we had to be able to talk about ANYTHING and not worry about how it was going to impact the relationship.

Unfortunately, that’s where it breaks down for most couples. They simply just don’t communicate well. Sure, you may talk about the kids, schedules and how you plan to spend the weekend, but we are talking about something far greater than surface level conversations.

What’s crazy is in the beginning of the relationship, you talk for hours and hours! Think about when you first started dating your spouse. You most likely would talk or Facetime for hours, then at the end of the conversation, you would fight about who was going to hang up first. “You hang up!” “No, you hang up!” You simply could not get enough of each other. Then, over time, that communication seems to fade.

Some would argue, “we talk a lot!” Talking and authentic communication are not the same thing.

Do you talk about your hopes and dreams? How about your fears and insecurities? Do you have spiritual conversations? Do you feel open to talk honestly about your sex life?

We’ve learned that most couples are two or three conversations away from breakthrough in their relationship. The problem is, they are too afraid to have that discussion or they simply don’t know how.

We love the idea of being FUSED. By definition it means, “Joined or blended to form a single entity.”

Jesus described it this way in Matthew 19:6, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

That doesn’t happen by accident or by chance. You don’t walk in sync with one another because you share a toothbrush holder. You must be super intentional and communication is the key that unlocks that intimacy.

To get you started, here are a few tips:

1. Connect with your spouse daily.

We love to start our day with a cup of coffee and a great conversation. We also love to end our day sitting face to face in authentic communication. Figure out what works for you. We all have different marriage dynamics and rhythms, but whatever you do, make it a priority.

2. Ask great questions.

Ask a lot of questions, then actually listen to your spouse as they share their heart. Here are a few questions we ask a lot!

What are you most excited about?

What makes you most grateful?

What do you need more from me as your spouse?

What do you need less of me as your spouse?

What would you like our life, marriage and family to look like in five years?

3. Push through the hard times in communication.

Not every conversation will be easy. Don’t shy away from it. It’s only uncomfortable because you don’t do it enough. We had a friend speak a powerful truth in our lives at the beginning of our marriage and we visit it often. Live your life in such a way that you have nothing to hide, nothing fear and nothing to prove. Let those words serve as a guard rail in your marriage.